charm2030's Datingish

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:13:42 GMT

Dear M,

For some reason yesterday I kept thinking back to the last three years....and especially the last year or so, when I spent a good portion waiting--waiting for your decision, waiting for your call, waiting to get over you--am I to wait some more?

I don't even know whether it is called waiting. Because...I don't sit around and wait on you anymore. I'm developing a new life, with new friends, new interests, new looks. These days, I breathe easier, and the heavy weight inside of me is not as noticeable...I still feel it if I let it sink in, but otherwise, not really. But I told my grandma yesterday very truthfully that, at this point, I don't want to be with anyone but you. I'm not even considering the possibility of dating another person yet. (And she flipped out, yelling whether I planned to be alone for the rest of my life.) But...I just want to allow some time for everything to sink in. I just don't want to make the wrong decision...I don't want to hurt you, no matter how much you hurt me. Maybe it's stupid of me to think that by me dating another guy you'd be sad or upset, but...I just can't. At least not right now.

I told R last night that I'm going with the flow, and he agreed that it was the best approach. We had an in depth discussion, and I guess he was a little surprised when I half scolded him for wanting just a "short-term" relationship with the woman who he is interested in. I told him I don't agree with that mentality--because the relationship is meant to fail if you wipe out the possibility of a lasting relationship before the relationship even starts. I guess I felt strongly about that subject because I am the victim of such a scenario. You were the one who thought it was not going to last. You didn't give us a chance. And sure enough, you destroyed it single-handedly, even if I see great things happening.

But I'm really okay now. I'm still sad, still bitter, still confused. I still have all the "what if's"...but, this is a battle that I cannot fight; not alone anyway.

God will lead. Let's both listen.

Love'

Counting Down Again

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:32:58 GMT

Dear M,

A few days ago, I asked you what you wanted for us, and instead of telling me straight, you told me, "I'm not ready for marriage yet." I asked you who said anything about marriage...and you said, "that was always the problem."

I guess, what you really meant was that, you didn't know whether I was the right one. You're 27 now, yet you had no intention of getting married. Maybe we both have the same question...

"Are you really anti-commitment? Or do you just not see ME in your future?"

I guess those are questions that only time can answer. Right now, we're both standing at the edge of a cliff, and we're both very careful when we approach each other. You want me in your life, you just don't know what role you want me to play. I want to be with you, but I don't know whether I am just living in a fantasy world--I always saw you as the one and only...was I blocking my own views?

I cut and colored my hair, got a new phone...I try to change things around so that I'd have a new life. The ending is also a new beginning, no?

But I still miss you constantly. Whenever I see something nice, I want to share with you. I got into the habit of writing you a letter, yeah, a hand-written letter, once a day...so that it's like I was still in touch with you. How did I survive the last month and a half? I do not know. All I know is...the hardest time has passed, but the longing inside me hasn't ceased. I started wondering, "will it ever?"

You told me that you couldn't ask me to wait for you, but if I started dating again, you did not want to know. That brought back memory..when we first started dating, and when you were planning to move away...you told me, "I can't ask you to treat me as a boyfriend, because I don't know how long we have until I leave. But I Just want you to know I consider myself exclusive to you." But you eventually decided to stay, and the result? Two very wonderful years of relationship. What about now?

When you realized that I was hanging out with quite a few guy friends right now, you said, "I think you should find some girl friends." You were half-joking...but semi-serious at the same time. I know that we won't get over each other for quite some time. But what can we do? Sometimes I even imagine that maybe you don't even like me anymore, but you don't want to hurt me again, that's why you just want to let time do the healing. Maybe that's why you haven't given me a definitely answer.

But you know how cruel that is? If you want mme to wait for you, I can wait. If you tell me that you don't want to be with me anymore, I can move on...but you're leaving me hanging.

I'm going to see you in a week and a half. I don't know what's going to happen then...but I'll keep on praying...for you, for myself, for us.

Love'

很想你

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:56:42 GMT

I really do miss you, and I haven't forgotten the promises we made to each other...maybe one day, we'll fulfill those promises. Right now, be well, be happy. That's all I want from you.

Love you'

Me.

24 years of waiting...

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:46:58 GMT

Dear M,

These days, one of the biggest news in HK is that, after being with a woman for 24 years, this celebrity finally allowed their relationship to go public. There was this picture that's all over the news now, with him holding her hand. And I was very moved by the story.

Imagine not being able to walk alongside your loved one for 24 years!!! The woman probably love him a lot to allow that to happen. I don't want to speculate why he would keep her waiting for 24 years...it's their relationship after all, but what kind of sacrifice did she make? She spent a good chunk of her life waiting for him...

Can I do that?

I love you, but love is sometimes very selfish. You want to claim the one you love as yours...you want to put a label on the relationship, and you want to make your territory. I remember when we "broke up" the first time, and we were still seeing each other regularly, it made me so sad whenever you introduced me to someone, because you'd just tell others, "this is so-and-so," without the usual "this is my girlfriend." We all need reassurance...that's why it's so hard for me to imagine being in the dark for 24 years.

But maybe if we have a definite relationship amongst ourselves, I can wait a long time.

I told you that if you wanted me to, I'd wait for you. At this point, I don't even know whether you want me to or not, or maybe a red flag went on in your head and it screamed "FREAK!!!!" Because what kind of a girl would wait for a guy indefinitely?

I've heard quite a few stories of that, and I know I can do it. It's just a matter of whether you want it or not. You failed to tell me what you want from us. You said that a lot of the things that you want from us can be obtained from a friendship, and I thought to myself, "isn't it the best part of a relationship?" You can be friends, but you are more than friends. But maybe we just don't think on the same wavelength? And you said "a lot of things," not all.

Which one of us is in dreamland?

Can you be rational and romantic at the same time? I'm very rational, that's why I can analyze a lot of things very objectively, and tell you that it is possible for you to have everything -- relationship, career, family, friends... I'm also very romantic, so I can tell you that love can overcome all obstacles.

This morning, on my commute back to work, I imagined the next time we see each other. We'd be sitting down, and I'd take your hands and look you straight in the eyes, and tell you...

"I love you; and I'm willing to do a lot for our relationship. But...maybe the reason why you can't commit is because you just can't love me enough. If that's the case, I'm willing to let go."

I really just want a straight answer from you. If you want to be with me, but you just want some time to yourself, I'm willing to wait. But if you don't want me anymore...why don't we set each other free? Aren't you tired of this game? Being together, being apart...and then we get back together again, and then you want out again. Don't you see a pattern? You want me, but you don't want to commit...but commitment is the ONLY thing that I ask for.

Tell me what you want, and stick to that decision for once, okay?

Love'

至少還有你

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 02:58:42 GMT

我怕來不及    我要抱著你
直到感覺你的皺紋    有了歲月的痕跡
直到肯定你是真的    直到失去力氣
為了你    我願意

動也不能動    也要看著你
直到感覺你的髮線    有了白雪的痕跡
直到視線變得模糊    直到不能呼吸
讓我們形影不離

如果    全世界我也可以放棄
至少還有你    值得我去珍惜
而你在這裡    就是生命的奇蹟
也許    全世界我也可以忘記
就是不願意    失去你的消息
你掌心的痣    我總記得在那裡

我怕來不及    我要抱著你
直到感覺你的髮線    有了白雪的痕跡
直到視線變得模糊    直到不能呼吸
讓我們形影不離

我們好不容易    我們身不由己
我怕時間太快    不夠將你看仔細
我怕時間太慢    日夜擔心失去你
恨不得一夜之間白頭    永不分離

Will you give me a miracle? Or...Will God give us a miracle?

有多少愛可以重來

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 02:13:33 GMT

Heard this old song on TV...suddenly missed you lots...

常常責怪自己當初不應該常常後悔沒有把你留下來
為什麼明明相愛到最後還是要要分開
是否我們總是徘徊在心門之外
誰知道又和你相遇在人海命運如此安排總叫人無奈
這些年過的不好不壞只是好像少個人存在
而我漸漸明白你仍然是我不變的關懷
有多少愛可以重來有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來卻不知那份愛會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田蒼海是否還有勇氣去愛

誰知道又和你相遇在人海命運如此安排總叫人無奈
這些年過的不好不壞只是好像少個人存在
而我漸漸明白你仍然是我不變的關懷
有多少愛可以重來有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來卻不知那份愛會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田蒼海是否還有勇氣去愛
有多少愛可以重來有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來卻不知那份愛會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田蒼海是否還有勇氣去愛
當愛情已經桑田蒼海是否還有勇氣去愛

Devotion

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:39:06 GMT

Dear M,

Today I have a “devotion” theme. It all started in the morning, when the devotional (did you listen to it?) read the scripture in Ruth,

Don’t urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. –Ruth 1: 16-17

Ruth’s devotion to Naomi is amazing. But when I listened to it this time, I felt a stir in my heart, because that’s exactly how I want our relationship to be; that’s the kind of devotion I have for you…

Yesterday, my mom sent me a story on Jackie Chan…or rather, a narrative by his wife. I was completely moved by the story, and asked God whether He’s trying to tell me how deep love can be and how much sacrifice it make take…

In the narrative, Mrs. Chan told a little of her background. She was a very famous actress and in fact, got Best Actress Award at her time. But one day, Jackie Chan went to Taiwan for work, and she was drawn to him by his dedication to work. Soon, she developed feelings for him and eventually, they moved in together despite the opposition from her friends and family. They told her, “He’s never lacked any woman in his life.” But she listened to her heart instead. She then got pregnant, and she asked him, “Do you want the child?” He replied, “Of course I do!” So she decided to keep the baby, and at the height of her acting career, she left Taiwan and came to the US—to be away from the media and to raise her kid.

During her pregnancy, he never visited her once. Finally, though his assistant, she was able to tell him the due date of their child…and he came right before the baby was to be born. He told her that he would marry her, and they did get married—a day before the baby was born.

But over the years, he was never there for her and their son. His career always came first, and then his friends...she and their son only got whatever little time he had left. She could not even walk side by side with him, for they kept the marriage a secret. She said that she was the hidden wife, and their son was the hidden son. All those years, she waited for him…and she got frustrated, because she could not even get jealous when her husband was seen in public with another girl—for to the public, he was single. To make her feel better, he made up a legal document, saying that if he ever had an affair with another woman, she could divorce him and get 50% of everything he had.

And one year…he did have an affair—it became totally public, and she said for a moment she really wanted to divorce him, but she thought, “He’s the only one I love.” So when he asked her to divorce him, she didn’t do it; instead, she forgave him. He finally realized what a great wife he had al along…soon after that (that’s about 20 years after they got married), he finally publicly announced that she was his wife.

That’s such a sad yet amazing story. I feel her pain, because we both love our guy more than our guy loves us. But that also confirms my belief that if you love someone, you will do everything for him/her, even if that person does not treat you like everyone said he/she should…there’s really no reason to love that person so much and too many reasons to hate…but somehow, you cant’ hate, just like you can’t stop loving.

Maybe that’s my answer—why I don’t mind waiting for you.

As long as you want me to wait.

Love’

Missing You

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:28:22 GMT

Dear M,

We talked last weekend after a whole month of zero communication. When you called, you sounded a little...down. You asked how I was, and I said, "I'm okay." Then I asked you, and that was your response too. I then asked, "Just okay?" and you replied, "Yeah, just okay." I asked why, and you said, "Because I'm scared and nervous."

Through our three hour conversation, I could feel that you were still very much drawn to me, and I to you. You wanted to know about everything that happened around me over the last month, and you didn't say much about yourself...just that everything was the same, and you were happy that you got to know some of the people from your small group more. You went to the beach with one of the girls, her friend, your sister and her boyfriend. Work was still the same...

And you missed me.

I didn't expect you to say that...I thought you were very certain that you wanted to end things with me. When you asked me what prayer requests I had in the end of our convo, I didn't even ask you to pray for us, because I felt like that's pressuring you. But when I asked you to tell me your "requests," you told me to "pray that God will send us guidance." You then told me that you didn't know what you wanted.

Just knowing that you were uncertain, made me happy.

Maybe I just wanted to know that we really meant something to you.

You asked me in the middle of the convo how likely was it that I would be accepted to the school where you are. I almost have a feeling that if I get accepted we'll get back together. You want me there, but you don't know how our relationship could work.

So...after we got off the phone, I sent you an email, telling that you I wanted to be friends with you right now. I told you that I cared deeply about you and I wanted to be with you, but maybe we should take some time and do some growing on our own. And if God leads us back together in the future, we know that we're really meant to be.

That feeling is still as strong as ever. But I'll try to listen to what God has to say about the matter. In the meantime, please keep on praying for us. Don't give us up...

Love'

Unhappy Birthday to Me

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 03:36:24 GMT

Dear M,

Today, I lied to people so that I don't have to hang out with them. I was relieved that my friend told me she would not be able to make it into the city, because I really didn't feel like hanging out. But a guy from church wanted to do something with me, so I told him that I was hanging out with my friend, even though I knew by then that she would not be in the city.

I spent the whole day waiting for your email/ecard. I cried multiple times, because I couldn't help but think that this is supposed to be a time with you. I drank a few small glasses of port, and started liking it because of how it tastes. I never liked alcohol, but it reminds me of you. That's the only connection I have with you now...

The whole day I didn't get anything from you...and I was really disappointed. I kept on refreshing my screen, thinking that it would come in at anytime now...then, at 11:52, your email arrived.

And I cried so hard I couldn't even breathe.

You were friendly and casual, just how I thought you'd be. You asked whether I thought you would forget, and called me silly for thinking that. And you said that you looked forwarding to talking to me next week. So you do remember...

You attached a picture, with a little mermaid birthday cake. And it just dawned on me that...little mermaid married Prince Eric. I always told you that I was a mur-maid..seeing that I "mur" whenever you did something to upset me. And it was fitting because I love swimming and singing. I never thought about Prince Eric until...just now. You know the reason why I call you M...but, everyone else calls you Eric. And yes, I always treated you as my prince charming, my Prince Eric....so, will we have a fairytale ending?

I don't want fairytale. I want you.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 00:27:53 GMT

Dear M,

Tomorrow is my birthday; E said I'm too old to care about my birthday anymore. And I do agree. Actually, since I passed my 14th birthday, I did not really care anymore. But this year is different...because I had you for the last two years...and when we got back together, I thought I'd have you this year still...but you broke that dream.

This year, I don't want any birthday present. Remember when you asked me what I wanted? I said I only wanted your time. But that's the one thing that you were always reluctant to give, and now you won't even give me any. But...can you give this birthday girl one thing?

Pray a prayer for us.

What if I tell everyone that for my birthday, I just want them to say a prayer? So that God will provide me (and us) with direction and guidance, so that I know what I should do. So that I won't hurt so much inside anymore.

This is going to be my most unhappy birthday. I'm at least glad you didn't break up with me ON my birthday like some of the stories I heard. P's boyfriend decided to end things with her on her birthday, and she spent a good part of the day crying...I know I'll probably cry, but at least, the pain would not be so intense...

Will you remember my birthday? I'm sure you remember....but whether you will write me, I'm uncertain. And I can't decide what's better--if you don't write me, I'd be unhappy, thinking that I'm not important enough for you to even wish me a happy birthday...but if you write me, I'd probably be equally unhappy...because we've fallen to such a status that I only deserve an ecard/email.

Either way, I'm screwed.

R said I'm not screwed, that everything's going to get better. I hope so too...

I have two wishes for my birthday..I want to get into a medical school within the year. And the second one...regarding us...you already know.

We'll see whether I have a birthday girl's luck.

Love'