Wednesday, 02 September 2009

• Dear M,

  For some reason yesterday I kept thinking back to the last three years....and especially the last year or so, when I spent a good portion waiting--waiting for your decision, waiting for your call, waiting to get over you--am I to wait some more?

  I don't even know whether it is called waiting. Because...I don't sit around and wait on you anymore. I'm developing a new life, with new friends, new interests, new looks. These days, I breathe easier, and the heavy weight inside of me is not as noticeable...I still feel it if I let it sink in, but otherwise, not really. But I told my grandma yesterday very truthfully that, at this point, I don't want to be with anyone but you. I'm not even considering the possibility of dating another person yet. (And she flipped out, yelling whether I planned to be alone for the rest of my life.) But...I just want to allow some time for everything to sink in. I just don't want to make the wrong decision...I don't want to hurt you, no matter how much you hurt me. Maybe it's stupid of me to think that by me dating another guy you'd be sad or upset, but...I just can't. At least not right now.

  I told R last night that I'm going with the flow, and he agreed that it was the best approach. We had an in depth discussion, and I guess he was a little surprised when I half scolded him for wanting just a "short-term" relationship with the woman who he is interested in. I told him I don't agree with that mentality--because the relationship is meant to fail if you wipe out the possibility of a lasting relationship before the relationship even starts. I guess I felt strongly about that subject because I am the victim of such a scenario. You were the one who thought it was not going to last. You didn't give us a chance. And sure enough, you destroyed it single-handedly, even if I see great things happening.

  But I'm really okay now. I'm still sad, still bitter, still confused. I still have all the "what if's"...but, this is a battle that I cannot fight; not alone anyway.

  God will lead. Let's both listen.

  Love'

  Me

  • 10:13 AM
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