Tuesday, 01 September 2009

• Counting Down Again

  Dear M,

  A few days ago, I asked you what you wanted for us, and instead of telling me straight, you told me, "I'm not ready for marriage yet." I asked you who said anything about marriage...and you said, "that was always the problem."

  I guess, what you really meant was that, you didn't know whether I was the right one. You're 27 now, yet you had no intention of getting married. Maybe we both have the same question...

  "Are you really anti-commitment? Or do you just not see ME in your future?"

  I guess those are questions that only time can answer. Right now, we're both standing at the edge of a cliff, and we're both very careful when we approach each other. You want me in your life, you just don't know what role you want me to play. I want to be with you, but I don't know whether I am just living in a fantasy world--I always saw you as the one and only...was I blocking my own views?

  I cut and colored my hair, got a new phone...I try to change things around so that I'd have a new life. The ending is also a new beginning, no?

  But I still miss you constantly. Whenever I see something nice, I want to share with you. I got into the habit of writing you a letter, yeah, a hand-written letter, once a day...so that it's like I was still in touch with you. How did I survive the last month and a half? I do not know. All I know is...the hardest time has passed, but the longing inside me hasn't ceased. I started wondering, "will it ever?"

  You told me that you couldn't ask me to wait for you, but if I started dating again, you did not want to know. That brought back memory..when we first started dating, and when you were planning to move away...you told me, "I can't ask you to treat me as a boyfriend, because I don't know how long we have until I leave. But I Just want you to know I consider myself exclusive to you." But you eventually decided to stay, and the result? Two very wonderful years of relationship. What about now?

  When you realized that I was hanging out with quite a few guy friends right now, you said, "I think you should find some girl friends." You were half-joking...but semi-serious at the same time. I know that we won't get over each other for quite some time. But what can we do? Sometimes I even imagine that maybe you don't even like me anymore, but you don't want to hurt me again, that's why you just want to let time do the healing. Maybe that's why you haven't given me a definitely answer.

  But you know how cruel that is? If you want mme to wait for you, I can wait. If you tell me that you don't want to be with me anymore, I can move on...but you're leaving me hanging.

  I'm going to see you in a week and a half. I don't know what's going to happen then...but I'll keep on praying...for you, for myself, for us.

  Love'

  Me

  • 2:32 PM
  • 97 Views
  • 0 eProps
  • 0 Comments