Dear M,
I haven't written in here for a long time, and even in my hand-written journal, where I religiously wrote you daily, I'm starting to slack. I still write, but I run out of things to say. I mean, there are aspects in my life that all of a sudden I do not want to share with you...namely, guys. And yes, plural.
I never wanted things to get complicated. I just wanted to love you and you alone. There was no doubt in my mind that I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you--to grow up, start a family, have kids, grow old--be with you through ups and downs and ALWAYS be there for you.
I still want that...I want that so much that it hurts. But these days, when I started opening up a little more to the outside world, I realized that there are so many options out there. I told you about the other guys, but I didn't tell you that I'm pretty involved with E right now. He may not be my type, but he is really everything that you're not. He cares deeply about me and he isn't afraid to commit. He takes care of me, he puts me above everything else. And we're not even together...yet.
He and I have a lot in common, and people around me like him. I can't say the same about you. It's nothing against you really, but people notice the level of commitment, you know? E is the kind that would go above and beyond expectation...and you? I love you because you are you, but I like him because he reminds me of what I want in a guy.
Is it unfair to him? Absolutely. That's why I told him that we should not talk anymore. Not that I didn't want to, but I couldn't bring myself to hurting him. He knows that I like him a lot, but he also knows that as of now, if you just walk in and casually tell me, "I want to be with you again," I'd drop everything and wait for you. He knows it, and he is worried...he doesn't see the other guys around me as competition, and there is really no competition. He is the only guy who was able to break into my heart since our "breakup," and for once in my life, I have two guys on my mind...
This sucks. I visited you a little over a week ago, I had a GREAT time with you. Time passed by so quickly when I was with you, and while we did not do much, I felt SOOO content. When I was about to leave, you kissed me and pulled me in for a hug, and then said, "I'm going to miss you." When I got on the bus, I cried.
With E, it was like...I knew everything was going to be okay. He knew what I was going through with you, and while he was not amused that I met up with you, he 100% had my back. Last night, I decided that him and I should take a little bit of time off each other, and he went in for my neck, and I allowed it...but it made me think of you. And then he went in for a kiss, and I turned away while telling him "no." But who was I kidding? I crave that intimacy, and the only thing that stopped me was that your image popped into my head.
What am I supposed to do? I don't think I can hold out that much longer. I want you, but you are too indecisive. I figured, for me to do stupid things, such like waiting for you indefinitely, I need to know that at least you want me to wait...right now, I feel like I'm just constraining myself for who knows what reason.
Can you tell me what to do?
Love'
Me
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