Dear M,

A few days ago, I asked you what you wanted for us, and instead of telling me straight, you told me, "I'm not ready for marriage yet." I asked you who said anything about marriage...and you said, "that was always the problem."

I guess, what you really meant was that, you didn't know whether I was the right one. You're 27 now, yet you had no intention of getting married. Maybe we both have the same question...

"Are you really anti-commitment? Or do you just not see ME in your future?"

I guess those are questions that only time can answer. Right now, we're both standing at the edge of a cliff, and we're both very careful when we approach each other. You want me in your life, you just don't know what role you want me to play. I want to be with you, but I don't know whether I am just living in a fantasy world--I always saw you as the one and only...was I blocking my own views?

I cut and colored my hair, got a new phone...I try to change things around so that I'd have a new life. The ending is also a new beginning, no?

But I still miss you constantly. Whenever I see something nice, I want to share with you. I got into the habit of writing you a letter, yeah, a hand-written letter, once a day...so that it's like I was still in touch with you. How did I survive the last month and a half? I do not know. All I know is...the hardest time has passed, but the longing inside me hasn't ceased. I started wondering, "will it ever?"

You told me that you couldn't ask me to wait for you, but if I started dating again, you did not want to know. That brought back memory..when we first started dating, and when you were planning to move away...you told me, "I can't ask you to treat me as a boyfriend, because I don't know how long we have until I leave. But I Just want you to know I consider myself exclusive to you." But you eventually decided to stay, and the result? Two very wonderful years of relationship. What about now?

When you realized that I was hanging out with quite a few guy friends right now, you said, "I think you should find some girl friends." You were half-joking...but semi-serious at the same time. I know that we won't get over each other for quite some time. But what can we do? Sometimes I even imagine that maybe you don't even like me anymore, but you don't want to hurt me again, that's why you just want to let time do the healing. Maybe that's why you haven't given me a definitely answer.

But you know how cruel that is? If you want mme to wait for you, I can wait. If you tell me that you don't want to be with me anymore, I can move on...but you're leaving me hanging.

I'm going to see you in a week and a half. I don't know what's going to happen then...but I'll keep on praying...for you, for myself, for us.

Love'

Me

Dear M,

These days, one of the biggest news in HK is that, after being with a woman for 24 years, this celebrity finally allowed their relationship to go public. There was this picture that's all over the news now, with him holding her hand. And I was very moved by the story.

Imagine not being able to walk alongside your loved one for 24 years!!! The woman probably love him a lot to allow that to happen. I don't want to speculate why he would keep her waiting for 24 years...it's their relationship after all, but what kind of sacrifice did she make? She spent a good chunk of her life waiting for him...

Can I do that?

I love you, but love is sometimes very selfish. You want to claim the one you love as yours...you want to put a label on the relationship, and you want to make your territory. I remember when we "broke up" the first time, and we were still seeing each other regularly, it made me so sad whenever you introduced me to someone, because you'd just tell others, "this is so-and-so," without the usual "this is my girlfriend." We all need reassurance...that's why it's so hard for me to imagine being in the dark for 24 years.

But maybe if we have a definite relationship amongst ourselves, I can wait a long time.

I told you that if you wanted me to, I'd wait for you. At this point, I don't even know whether you want me to or not, or maybe a red flag went on in your head and it screamed "FREAK!!!!" Because what kind of a girl would wait for a guy indefinitely? 

I've heard quite a few stories of that, and I know I can do it. It's just a matter of whether you want it or not. You failed to tell me what you want from us. You said that a lot of the things that you want from us can be obtained from a friendship, and I thought to myself, "isn't it the best part of a relationship?" You can be friends, but you are more than friends. But maybe we just don't think on the same wavelength? And you said "a lot of things," not all. 

Which one of us is in dreamland?

Can you be rational and romantic at the same time? I'm very rational, that's why I can analyze a lot of things very objectively, and tell you that it is possible for you to have everything -- relationship, career, family, friends... I'm also very romantic, so I can tell you that love can overcome all obstacles.

This morning, on my commute back to work, I imagined the next time we see each other. We'd be sitting down, and I'd take your hands and look you straight in the eyes, and tell you...

"I love you; and I'm willing to do a lot for our relationship. But...maybe the reason why you can't commit is because you just can't love me enough. If that's the case, I'm willing to let go."

I really just want a straight answer from you. If you want to be with me, but you just want some time to yourself, I'm willing to wait. But if you don't want me anymore...why don't we set each other free? Aren't you tired of this game? Being together, being apart...and then we get back together again, and then you want out again. Don't you see a pattern? You want me, but you don't want to commit...but commitment is the ONLY thing that I ask for.

Tell me what you want, and stick to that decision for once, okay?

Love'

Me