What do you do when you're kind of involved with two guys at the same time?

Here's the story. I've been kind of seeing a guy, E, since 4 months after M and I broke up. It's not physical...but the emotional bond is totally there. The physical attraction is there too...we always had to restrain ourselves from going any further. The problem is, I'm just not ready to have sex yet, and although he is VERY sexual, he respects it, and agreed to wait until I'm ready.

And then all of a sudden M comes back, telling me that he made a mistake (again). And this time he is ready to commit. He said it was the most stupid mistake that he could make (although he made that mistake twice). He wants to marry me, he is totally ready for marriage now, he wants to make me the happiest woman on earth, and he wants to start a family with me. He has visions for our lives together...that he had never ceased to love me, but was only waiting for the right moment to ask me for another chance. When I told him that I couldn't be in a relationship with him (mainly because of E), he looked crushed...but he said that he would keep on waiting.

It's such a funny feeling. M was my life for 3 years...I loved him to death. He broke up with me twice, and yet I don't have a single ounce of hatred in me for him. Even if I ask myself now...the feeling is love, and more love.

But what about E? He's everything that I ever wanted in a boyfriend/husband. He is cute, very smart, devoted, caring, considerate... seriously the best package that a girl can ever dream to have. I love him too, while the love is still not so intense, I know it is going to grow over the years.

But why do I keep thinking about M? E made a comment the other day, "I have not seen you so happy before." Well...that was the day when M confessed to me that he still loved me. They know both know of each other's existence..both thinks that I'm going to choose the other over them. But in reality, I'm really torn. M said that he changed, and this time, I can really feel it...but he sort of came back at the wrong time...and while E and I are not officially together, I feel I hold a responsibility. M asked me whether I was in love with E, and I told him no. In reality, I'm so afraid of "loving" someone. I don't think I can love someone like I used to anymore. And..what's the point of going into a relationship if you just can't commit?

I don't know anymore...

Dear M,

Last night, you told me that you'd be in town this coming weekend; you're coming with some of your friends. You wanted to know whether I wanted to hang out, and that you wanted me to meet your friends.

I told you I wasn't going to be in town, and you asked where I was going. I said I might be going upstate. I lied.

I'm going away with E. If I didn't already promise him that I'd go, I know that I'd have cancelled the trip, just like all the other times when I made plans with my friends, and all of a sudden I received your call and I picked you over everyone else. It's still that way it seems...but I take promises very seriously, unlike you. So this time, even though my heart yearn to be close to you, I don't think I can do that.

I told you that I'd spend Christmas with you. This is the first Christmas that we get to spend together. But I just had to ask you, "Did you only invite me because your mom told you to?" You know, she personally invited me to join your family as well. You told me that it wasn't the reason, that she had only nagged you to be nice to me, but that was nothing new. I didn't fully believe you, but I let it pass. The thing that mattered most, was that I really wanted to spend this special day with you.

Everyone around me thinks that I'm playing with fire. They may be right. On the one hand, I'm kind of involved with a great guy who I don't want to hurt at all; on the other hand, I crave to be with you. E invited me to his family thing too, but I gave him some excuses so that I could be with you and your family instead. I feel so rotten...but I guess, in the end, the only person I can admit to loving, is still just you.

Love'

Me

Dear M,

I haven't written in here for a long time, and even in my hand-written journal, where I religiously wrote you daily, I'm starting to slack. I still write, but I run out of things to say. I mean, there are aspects in my life that all of a sudden I do not want to share with you...namely, guys. And yes, plural.

I never wanted things to get complicated. I just wanted to love you and you alone. There was no doubt in my mind that I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you--to grow up, start a family, have kids, grow old--be with you through ups and downs and ALWAYS be there for you.

I still want that...I want that so much that it hurts. But these days, when I started opening up a little more to the outside world, I realized that there are so many options out there. I told you about the other guys, but I didn't tell you that I'm pretty involved with E right now. He may not be my type, but he is really everything that you're not. He cares deeply about me and he isn't afraid to commit. He takes care of me, he puts me above everything else. And we're not even together...yet.

He and I have a lot in common, and people around me like him. I can't say the same about you. It's nothing against you really, but people notice the level of commitment, you know? E is the kind that would go above and beyond expectation...and you? I love you because you are you, but I like him because he reminds me of what I want in a guy.

Is it unfair to him? Absolutely. That's why I told him that we should not talk anymore. Not that I didn't want to, but I couldn't bring myself to hurting him. He knows that I like him a lot, but he also knows that as of now, if you just walk in and casually tell me, "I want to be with you again," I'd drop everything and wait for you. He knows it, and he is worried...he doesn't see the other guys around me as competition, and there is really no competition. He is the only guy who was able to break into my heart since our "breakup," and for once in my life, I have two guys on my mind...

This sucks. I visited you a little over a week ago, I had a GREAT time with you. Time passed by so quickly when I was with you, and while we did not do much, I felt SOOO content. When I was about to leave, you kissed me and pulled me in for a hug, and then said, "I'm going to miss you." When I got on the bus, I cried.

With E, it was like...I knew everything was going to be okay. He knew what I was going through with you, and while he was not amused that I met up with you, he 100% had my back. Last night, I decided that him and I should take a little bit of time off each other, and he went in for my neck, and I allowed it...but it made me think of you. And then he went in for a kiss, and I turned away while telling him "no." But who was I kidding? I crave that intimacy, and the only thing that stopped me was that your image popped into my head.

What am I supposed to do? I don't think I can hold out that much longer. I want you, but you are too indecisive. I figured, for me to do stupid things, such like waiting for you indefinitely, I need to know that at least you want me to wait...right now, I feel like I'm just constraining myself for who knows what reason.

Can you tell me what to do?

Love'

Me