Dear M,

Last night we talked briefly. E and I were on the phone at that time, but as soon as your picture popped up on the screen, I told him, "I'll call you later." You and I then talked for about an hour, and I just had a great time laughing with you and talking about the smallest things that happened in your life.

You told me that your happy moment of the day was "talking to me." I asked you whether you were just saying it because you knew I liked hearing it, and you said no. Not that I cared about the answer all that much, because I'd still be happy either way. I'm such a loser when it comes to you.

You said something very strange. Basically, in my previous email to you, I asked you what you wanted from me. You called later on to tell me that you had to "formulate a response." So last night, you asked me, "if you were regularly cuddling with a guy, can we still stay close?" And my heart sunk at that time, because I thought you were saying that you wanted to be just friends with me and nothing else. I had that sickening feeling of drowning.... and to that I said, " I don't know." and you asked, "What do you mean by you don't know?" and I told you I didn't understand what you were saying. And then you said, rather softly, "I want you to wait for me to grow up."

And I guess I got my answer finally. You told me I was like a drug...I guess, you went through a withdrawal and was doing fine, until you met me again...and then the emotions just came right back out and attacked you. Well, my emotions were everywhere too...I just wanted to stay in your arms and not think about the outside world.

I'm doing something VERY risky now. I agreed to date E; to completely devote myself to him for one month. If, after that month, your image rubs off a little, I know that we're not meant to be. But if your image is still as strong as it is now, I know that I can never turn my back on you. You still have such a huge effect on me, but I really want to know what could have been with another guy. If you think about it, I've been single for a while now...I get lonely too. And fending off guys can be tiring...why am I trying so hard to "save myself" for you? You were my first everything, now it's the time for me to explore and see whether I just didn't want to let go of the past because I'm scared, or maybe there is something about "us" that no one else could see.

You want me to wait for your to grow up. And I can only wait for you to grow up if I know that I'm willing to wait around indefinitely for my boy to become a man and finally take resonsibility. I think you're worth the wait, just like the guys around me think that I'm worth the wait. So...for the next month, I'm going to try to put someone else as a higher priority for once...we'll see how that goes.

I miss you so much though.

Love'

Me

Dear M,

These days, my weeknights and weekends are all occupied by different guys around me. They see the cmopetition, so they're not giving me any break. I have no free time to my own. Between hanging out with them (I'm trying to be fair), practicing and doing church activities, I hardly even have time to go to the gym...

But I still spend 90% of my idle time, even if it was just a few minutes, thinking about you.

B reminds me too much of you. You're still more my type when it comes to looks, but he is close enough. And then, what he does as a living echos your occupation, and the way he cuddles...when the lights were off, it haunted me like a sweet dream that you just know from the start that it has no happy ending...in the end of the night, when dawn comes, he's still not you.

I told him too, that his biggest problem is that he acts so much like you...and that's such a bad thing. He went silent for a little bit, but then just held me tighter. I think my heart broke a little then.

I can't see myself with another person. And I told my coworker that there is always one person in your life who, no matter what he did to you in the past, no matter how much hurt you went through, you still keep on going back to him/her. She then said, "that's love."

And yes, I know I love you. Everyone around me knows that. E is trying to get me away for the weekend, because he knows that you may be visiting and if anyone is a threat to him, it is you--the phantom of the past and present...and most likely the future.

I tried. But I failed myself.

I remember when we were still dating, you told me that you wouldn't mind if I dated around a little bit, because you were "the best there is for me." You're in no way perfect.. but yes, you seem to be the one who I can't forget...not like I don't have options...if I have a problem, I think it's that I have too many options. But...despite knowing that I'm wanted, despite interacting with some VERY awesome guys. I can't bring myself to have anything more than a friendship with them.

I'm so screwed, aren't I?

Love'

Me

Dear M,

Today is supposedly our 3rd anniversary. Of course, we're not together and I don't think you're going to write or call. It's okay, we want to leave things platonic, and I think this is best. Still, deep down, I wish that you'd remember, and you'd call and tell me that you still care.

Stop dreaming.

After we broke up, I haven't had a lack of guys around me. Currently, there are a few that I can choose from...and it is so tempting. You know me, I'm so touchy feely, I need the touch, I love to cuddle through the night, I love hugging and kissing...

But all of a sudden, even when I had the option to, I couldn't bring myself to doing it.

B was a great cuddler, but when he cuddled me, all I wanted was to get away from him and run to your side. E has such wonderful personality, but he was not you. I guess, that's the problem...no matter what great guys I interact with, they're not you. Not the one I feel drawn to, not the one I want to love.

I realized that it is so easy to find guys who are interested in me, R even started contemplating the possibility of going further with our friendship...you know, picking up from where we left off many years ago...but I have no intention. It's like...out of everyone around me right now, if I'd go with anyone, it's probably him...the one I loved before I met you, the one that had never been, but would have been. But I still resist...

People around me told me that I should date around. But it doesn't work when your image pops into my mind whenever I'm near a guy.

What should I do?

Love'

Me